Redemption

 

 

Disclaimer: I don’t own Trance, Rhade, Andromeda, etc. I’m not profiting, yadda yadda yadda, I’m really tired…
Oh and also, I really don’t know much about night terrors, so if you have them and you hate this story, don’t flame me. Flame me for better reasons, but not that one.
Thanks to Sarah for being my beta again.

A sob rang through the corridor. It was soft, but with his Nietzschean hearing, Rhade picked up on it instantly. He couldn’t imagine who would be awake so late at night. He often walked the halls after everyone went to bed; it gave him time to clear his head without anyone on his heals. The Andromeda was a large ship, but there were quite enough people to make it seem crowded at times. He’d hoped to be alone, or at least undisturbed, since the service bots were usually the only thing moving on this part of the ship. Apparently, they weren’t.
He heard a tiny whimper and followed it a little further down the hall, then waited for the crying to resume. Soon his ears could distinguish what sounded like a frightened woman, or perhaps a child. He continued toward it and had almost reached the med bay when a muffled scream assaulted his ears. He rushed into the room and immediately saw with confusion the form of Trance, or rather her hair. She was slumped over a table with a computer and medical instruments on it. Her head was buried in her arms and her shoulders shook violently. The scream subsided and her tiny hands clenched and unclenched, the left one grasping the first thing it found: a scalpel.
“Trance!” Rhade called in a sharp staccato. She didn’t respond; if anything, she grabbed it harder, breaking into full sobs. He rushed over to her and grabbed her wrist as blood trickled down onto his hand. “Trance!” he snapped again, grabbing her shoulder roughly with his other hand and shaking her to let her know he was there. She jumped, immediately quieting and letting the scalpel fall from her grasp. Lifting her head slowly, she stared up at him with large wet eyes that were full of confusion. She seemed almost disoriented, and didn’t even realize that her hand was bleeding, or if she did, she didn’t care. Tears still streamed down her face, and she looked as if she were shivering.
Rhade didn’t have the slightest clue how to deal with her, so he dealt with her hand instead. “You’re bleeding,” he said softly, turning her hand over and looking at the damage she’d done. It wasn’t too deep, so he walked over to a shelf and grabbed a towel and some gauze. When he turned around, she was staring at her hand in bewilderment. Raising her eyes to his, she asked, “How did this happen?”
“You don’t remember?” he asked, kneeling beside the table and pressing the towel to her hand with a bit too much force. “Am I hurting you?” he asked when she flinched. She didn’t answer, but he eased up a little anyway. “I was having a nightmare,” she muttered a few minutes later. “But I’m fine now. I think I’ll go to bed.” She began to rise, but a hand clamped down on her shoulder and pushed her back down.
“The bleeding’s stopped but you’re still shaking. I think you should stay here for a while.” He began wrapping her hand in gauze.
“I’m okay, but thanks,” she answered softly, but tears fell silently from her eyes again and betrayed her. Rhade looked up at her and saw them, once again completely at a loss as to what he should do to calm her. He reached up and wiped a few tears from her cheek in a feeble attempt to make her stop crying. “Must have been some nightmare,” he said. “What was it about?”
“It… was nothing.” she wanted to tell him, but didn’t want him to know that she’d actually been remembering what had happened before she’d traded places with her former self.
Rhade pulled a chair from nearby and plunked it down across from her. “It wasn’t nothing,” he replied, sitting down. “What was it?”
Trance sighed and gave in. She needed to get it off her chest, anyway. “It was a memory… Beka and I were the only ones left…” Trails of moisture once again made their way down her cheeks. “I should have saved them, but I was so scared.”
“But you lived,” Rhade said gently.
“You didn’t,” she answered, looking up into his eyes.
He had absolutely no idea how to respond. All he could do was stare at those huge brown eyes and wonder what she’d lived through, and how she’d survived. “What?” he finally managed.
“After the Andromeda was destroyed, Beka and I tried everything we could to restore the Commonwealth, just like Dylan would have done. But hope died with him… We tried making contacts with as many systems as we could… We got in touch with you because of Geharis. You were our last hope.” She began to tremble and Rhade put his hands on her upper arms to try to hold her still. He wanted to hear more, but he didn’t know if she could handle telling him, so he just waited for her to continue, gently holding her so she wouldn’t topple over.
“You’d become a champion among your pride during a great battle-“ Surely she couldn’t tell him the rest; she’d been a fool to reveal so much, but she’d seen so many horrible things and it would have felt so wonderful to have some one to share a little bit of that burden.
“A champion?” he asked, prodding her to continue. When she didn’t, he gently wiped the tears from her eyes again, trying to calm her so she’d be able to tell him what had happened.
She smiled half-heartedly at the gesture, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath to clear her mind. Rhade’s voice interrupted her thoughts. “Tell me what happened.” She opened her eyes and searched his face, wanting desperately to tell him everything. The temptation was too much to resist.
“You were in the battle that crushed the Commonwealth for good. You fought for the Nietzscheans, and you won.” Rhade pulled back in shock. “No. It didn’t happen like that,” he said with a hint of anger.
“I shouldn’t have said anything,” Trance replied, standing and preparing to leave. She felt more alone than she had in a long time.
Rhade stood and grabbed her arm, preventing her from leaving. “How did I die?”
“You were executed as a traitor to your people,” Trance answered, her eyes locked on the ground. “Beka and I were able to convince you speak to your leaders on our behalf. You died because of us.” She looked at him, reaching up and caressing the side of his face with her hand. “You were just like Geharis, coming through in the end. But I was too late.” She dropped her hand and tried to leave again, but he still held her arm.
“You came back. You made things right.”
“I know,” Trance sniffled, “But I still remember everything I did wrong. I still remember seeing all my friends die, seeing the Commonwealth destroyed. If you knew how many times Harper’s died-“ Rhade began to laugh. When Trance looked at him in shock, he shrugged and replied, “Everything happens to him.” Trance smiled a little, then began laughing herself. It really was rather ironic.
Rhade was relieved to see her laugh, and he embraced her, giving her a gentle squeeze. He didn’t really know her as well as the other crewmembers, but even a Nietzschean didn’t like to see a woman cry.
“No one’s supposed to see me like this,” Trance said, laying a head on his shoulder. It was only supposed to be a quick hug, but she liked being held for once. She was the one that everyone looked to for answers. They couldn’t see that she herself was so uncertain.
“I was beginning to think you were infallible,” Rhade replied. She lifted her head from his shoulder and looked at him. At first her expression was unreadable and he was afraid he’d hurt her, but soon a small smile began to tug at her lips. “There’s a lot you don’t know about me, Telemechus Rhade.”
“There’s a lot I’d like to know.” He watched as she looked down, avoiding his eyes. She was still tangled in his arms, and he was afraid she’d run away if he pressed her, so he quickly added, “I understand. We all have demons. My ancestor betrayed my captain.”
“No he didn’t!” Trance snapped defensively.
“He was shot while trying to kill-“
“No, it didn’t happen like that,” she interrupted.
Rhade thought about what she’d said about how he was just like Geharis. Normally he would have flown off the handle at such a comparison, but he had been so focused on comforting her that he’d barely noticed. Now those feelings threatened to surface. “What do you know about him?” he demanded, letting go of her and taking a step back.
She wrapped her arms across her chest, shielding herself from the sudden loss of warmth and affection. “I… I can only say that he was no traitor. He lost his way for a while, but he did what he thought was right, and in the end he sacrificed everything for the Commonwealth.”
She was telling him exactly what he wanted to hear, and yet she was telling him nothing. “I suppose you can’t give me anymore information.”
“I’ve already told you too much. If I reveal too much it could change this reality and-“
“Right, we’ve all heard this before,” he said, storming out of the med deck.
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Trance wandered from plant to plant, caring for each one as if it were the only thing in the room, then moving on to the next. She knew she had to make sacrifices for the people she loved and for the Commonwealth, but sometimes it was so hard. It had been several days since the encounter with Telemechus, and she hadn’t slept since. Deep bronze circles darkened her otherwise bright eyes. She hadn’t cried, though. She almost never cried. The other night had been a mistake.
Rhade had been in a mood that could have rivaled any of Tyr’s. He’d been all scowls and sarcasm, especially when Trance was present, which only served to cause her more misery. Harper had commented on ‘Nietzschean PMS,’ and had a few laughs and a look that could turn fire to ice from both Trance and Rhade.
Trance was startled when she looked up and saw Rhade watching her from the doorway. “It was open and I didn’t want to interrupt,” he explained.
“Oh,” she managed, a bit shocked to see him.
“I don’t think I’ve been in here yet,” he continued matter-of-factly. “They’re beautiful.”
“Thank you.”
He stepped forward and stood across from her. “I wanted to talk to you.”
“I told you, Rhade, I can’t talk about what happened with Geharis. I’m sorry.”
“That’s not what I wanted to talk about. I wanted to apologize. I’ve thought about it, and I can’t be angry with you for doing what you know is right.”
“But you’ve been so upset.”
He answered her by taking her by the shoulders and shifting her over to the left a few steps so there wasn’t a plant between them anymore. Then he bent down and kissed her. It was a soft, chaste kiss that only lasted a few seconds, but it was enough to make her shiver. When he pulled away, it took all the strength she had not to stand on her tiptoes and follow him.
“I was angry because you’re not a Nietzschean,” he said suddenly, interrupting her reverie.
“What?” she asked, not quite registering what he’d said.
“I was angry because I couldn’t stop thinking about you, about how much I liked holding you. But this can’t happen. I’m a Nietzschean, and you’re a…”
“Why did you kiss me then?” she asked, not sure whether to be hurt or relieved, but feeling more hurt than anything.
“I don’t know. I just-“ He stopped and brought a hand up to caress the side of her face. Now that he’d finally allowed himself to touch her again, he couldn’t stop.
Trance wanted to pull away from him, to tell him that if it couldn’t happen, then he should stop what he was doing, but she wasn’t used to being shown so much affection, especially from a man. Before she knew it his other arm was around her waste and he was pulling her to him, pressing his lips against hers and kissing her deeply. She’d never been kissed like that before, but she found herself leaning against him and returning it.
Rhade broke the kiss, bringing his lips to her ear. “Come to my quarters,” he said in a low voice.
Every nerve ending in her body was screaming ‘Yes!’ but her brain couldn’t rationalize accepting his proposition.
“Do you want me, Rhade?” she asked.
“Now more than ever,” he answered, kissing the place on her neck where her pulse beat.
She gasped, almost unable to think. “That’s what I mean,” she finally managed. “Do you really want me, or do you just want me right now?”
“I…” he began. He didn’t know. All he wanted to do was take her to his bed and ravage her, but was that all he wanted?
When he didn’t answer, Trance reluctantly pulled away. “Don’t do something you’ll regret,” she said with a disappointed sigh.
Rhade watched her leave hydroponics. He was going to blast holes through his punching bag tonight.
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Violence, while usually quite satisfying, had done nothing to rid Rhade’s mind of Trance Gemini. Now he sat on his bed unable to sleep and holding a flexi with a third-rate epic glaring at him. It had cheesy lines and flat characters, but at least in the end the guy got the girl. He was extremely grateful when Rommie’s hologram popped up in front of him; his novel was becoming a train wreck.
“Trance is waiting to see you. Should I send her in?”
Rhade’s eyebrows lifted in surprise. “Uh, send her in,” he said uncertainly. The doors opened and he groaned internally. She stood there wearing a robe and black silk pajamas. They were simple: just a button-up shirt with a collar and loose-fitting pants, but something about her casual appearance and her ruffled look was incredibly sexy. She’d obviously been tossing and turning quite a bit; her dreadlocks had been pulled back loosely from her face, but several strands had escaped and a few stray hairs framed her face. She hadn’t even bothered to tie her robe, which hung open as if it had been draped over her shoulders.
“Hi…” she said, unsure of what do say. She walked tentatively over to where he sat rooted to the bed and sat down facing him. He watched as she opened her mouth to say something, then looked down as if second-guessing herself. As if in slow-motion, she leaned forward and brought her lips toward his, pausing a mere inch away as if considering a different course of action. Finally she brushed them across his mouth in a feather-light touch, then pulled back and looked into his eyes.
“I thought you didn’t want to do this,” he said, his eyes wide.
“Yes I did,” she answered, her eyes caressing his body. “I mean, I want you to make up your mind about me, but I think I want this even more.” She leaned into him and kissed him, and this time he put his arms around her waist, pressing her against him. His hands found the hem of her shirt and slowly pushed it up, touching her bare skin with his fingertips. He wanted to tell her that he loved her, and that this wasn’t just about lust, but he wasn’t sure if it was the truth, and he’d lost all willpower; the minute she’d sat down beside him, he’d known she’d be in his bed.
Somewhere along the line he stopped thinking and just made love to her.
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Trance had fallen asleep, but Rhade lay awake, a smile on his lips. She was curled against him, her head against his shoulder and her hair spilling out across his chest.
He still hadn’t been able to sleep; his conscience had been gnawing at him ever since her eyes had finally drifted shut. He felt he’d used her.
After it was over, she’d smiled and kissed him, letting him hold her as she’d drifted off, but something in her eyes told him that she was ashamed, perhaps for giving in.
But now he could smile about it. He could smile because he hated himself for making her hate herself, and that was how he knew he loved her.
He draped an arm around her and closed his eyes. He’d tell her in the morning.

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